When it’s time for action, I’d rather be paired up with a disruptor than a pleaser.
No one needs a pleaser. Pleasers are only good for us in bursts and on occasion to make us feel better about ourselves. Want to be included in a discussion when you’re feeling awkward at a party? Find a pleaser. They’ll make sure you’re included in even the most confidential gossip sesh.
With the exception of dogs, no one’s job in life is to be a pleaser. Pleasers don’t get results. They ultimately end up losing it, failing themselves and people around them. As nice as they are and as much as everyone loves their selflessness, their perennial peace keeping is useless when it’s time for action. They’re diplomats to a fault who fall apart.
We all know pleasers. They’re the ones who are perpetually agreeable and rarely ruffle feathers. They’re often considered “nice” people. They’re affable and easy to get along with, but real pleasers are bad for their own images. They end up viewed as passive and wishy-washy, at best and at worst as wet blankets. In the past few years, I’ve encountered a growing number of pleasers.
I don’t know everything that’s behind the perceived growing population of pleasers, nor can I change their pasts. But I can show them how to develop the willingness to hold others accountable, to manage-up, to stop hesitating, to speak out, and to be assertive.
I can show them how important it is to get energized, stand up for themselves and what they believe in, and to allow themselves to get frustrated enough to hold other people accountable – even their superiors. Hang around my office for a couple days and you’ll undoubtedly hear me air my impassioned plea for my team to speak up and express disappointment. Will the person on the receiving end of the feedback get her feelings hurt? Will he get angry? I suppose.
In the long run, there’s no benefit to not explaining to people how they can improve. When was the last time you felt better after stewing, worrying, and harboring resentment than you would have had you vented constructively? Worried about angering a project team manager if you tell him to please respond to requests in a more timely manner? How does tiptoeing around that issue help anyone but him? And, really, won’t it eventually hurt him when someone finally calls him out?
It’s fun to watch a pleaser transform after someone lights a fire under them. They see results, they demand more, and they allow themselves to take chances, make mistakes, and navigate their way out of problems.
What’s not fun is watching a pleaser hit his breaking point. It’s only a matter of time before a pleaser is going to pay the price for over-praising, for example. If after months or years of complimenting his lazy coworker’s subpar work, that same coworker throws Paul under the bus, then watch out world. Paul the Pleaser is about to blow. Had Paul only been more honest with his colleague, the playing field would have been more open and level.
Can pleasers change? Yes, but only if they’re trained, willing, and their managers are eager – not threatened – by the idea of unleashing powerful, change-making workers. Compliment honest, appropriate feedback. Teach and preach constructive criticism, all while publicly denouncing bullying, meanness, and rampant sarcasm. By creating and fostering a safe – but direct – environment, people who have been nothing but nice for decades can finally thrive.
